Now is not then...

You can take some inspiration from your past as long as you don't dwell on it or try to replicate it. That is what I have been trying to do. But there are some things that just don't compare to anything that existed back then. Last night I was up, all night, with my poor little guy who was just miserable with a cold. And it is funny how you can be up with your child when they are sick and not even think twice about it. You can wish that you were sleeping, but normally I would have been just miserable trying to stay awake. But when those little pieces of you need you... it is like a switch turns on and makes you a hundred times stronger. 

I mentioned in my last post about wondering if I still had a passion for something... that it seemed like a lot of my passion had gone by the wayside lately. But now I wonder if that passion is still the same, it just feels like so much less in the face of the unbelievable passion you have for your children.  Anyone who has a child knows how it is, how it causes physical pain just to see them disappointed. Nothing in life prepares you for how you feel about those little people in your life. I don't want to live my life for my children only, but they are by far the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. And how is something like scrapbooking supposed to compare with that? 

However, to give this challenge a legitimate attempt, I have spent the day thinking about what it is I really enjoy doing. As I was making babyfood for Gavin and toasting the squash seeds for myself, I realized I was having a lot of fun. I love using fresh ingredients to make good food. I will say I like to bake a lot more than I like to cook. But I love that accomplishment. And, I love using unusual and/or nutritious ingredients to make something delicious. So I am hatching an idea to see if I can integrate those passions into something other than making myself fat by baking things that I eat far too much of. I am going to see if I can get some other ladies interested in an ingredient dinner club. You pick a featured ingredient and then everyone hunts down a recipe for that ingredient. (Yes, I know it sounds like Iron Chef) I am hoping to find some people that might be genuinely interested. We'll see. 

But the nice thing about last night (and there wasn't a whole lot) is that I felt like it released me a little bit from this last challenge. It was like it was fate telling me, "You may not have much time or energy to indulge in a lot of your passions right now... but that is okay. Right now you have this awesome responsibility of watching over two small lives, making them safe, protecting them, teaching them, loving them. One day, far too soon, your life will be nothing but time to do your own thing. For now, it is fine to dedicate your passion to crayons, boo-boos, and baby dolls. Hold that small child in your arms, love them tirelessly, live every moment... scrapbook it later."

Cheryl

Marching band, drama club & varsity basketball?

So, I am happy to say that last week's challenge has been going well. I have been into three different first grade classrooms for three very different experiences. And while I knew two of the teachers well, I have been able to put names to one aide and one teacher that I would have been unsure of before. But the experiment has been more than just learning names. It has been fun! I forgot how much I LOVE teaching these little ones. In two of the three classes I got to work with the kids. I did a writing project with one class and ran a reading group in another. It was so fun to work with these little ones and it brought back a lot of memories from college. This is what I thought I was going to be doing for the rest of my life "back then". I would never in a million years have pictured myself teaching long division and test-taking skills. But I do love the camaraderie that you can have with a fourth grader that you can't have with a first grader. All in all, I have really enjoyed the experience. When it comes to others reactions... I think my fellow fourth grade teachers think I am nuts. The first grade teachers are appreciative, of course. But I also think they think I am a little nuts. They are probably a little right.

So, onto this week's dive into my muddled memory. Another thing I remember from high school was my passion. My passion for what? Well, that changed quite a bit month to month. Let's see... in seventh grade I was in cheerleading and joined drama club, in eighth grade I helped start the Varsity volleyball team and decided to pick up the clarinet, in ninth grade I was really into drama club and joined marching band, in tenth grade I was into some sketchy non-school sponsored extracurriculars, in eleventh grade I was into my boyfriend and drama, in twelfth grade I was into drama and the Varsity basketball team. Boy... nothing like consistency. But the thing is... I was very passionate about each of these endeavors. It wasn't like I was trying something half-heartedly with the intention of moving on again soon. I just wanted to try it all. There was always something that was taking up my time, something that I was "into".

These days, I wouldn't say I am "into" much of anything. I would blame that in a large part to being tired all the time. But, I am also incredibly lazy these days when it doesn't have to do with my kids. So, I just don't have the where-for-all to get up off my tired butt to be passionate about anything these days. Things have com up. Some of the people I know scrapbook. I tried it, but I just got lazy about that too. I couldn't bring myself to spend hours doing something that so few people see. I don't know.... 

So, I guess this week I have two questions to answer for myself... Is there something out there that I want to be "into" and is it worth it to give up  my tired moments of quiet to pursue this interest? I don't know if I would be less happy trying to accomplish something that just succeeds in making more tired. So, here begins another search and another challenge. 

A new seat at lunch....

So, where to start this journey? I reached way back into my black-hole of a mind (that seems to get more and more like a black-hole the more children I have!) to find something risky I did in my younger days that was also empowering. Sad to say, this is the first thing that came to mind... so here is where I begin.

My highschool was small, very small. A graduating class around 69 students and 7 - 12 in one building. However, I imagine lunch is pretty much the same everywhere. You had your "assigned" table. Assigned by 'rank', who you were friends with, who you were dating, or whatever the rules were in your school. My table was with an odd artsy bunch, borderline hippies I would guess. Anyway, they were all a year older than I was. So, my Junior year they all graduated and left me behind. It fleetingly crossed my mind a few times that year (when they were all gone on Senior events) that I would have no home in the lunch room that next year. But it didn't really sink in until a week before school started. Suddenly, I started to become aware of the seriousness of my situation. I avoided the issue the first week of school by managing to forge notes to eat in other places. But soon I realized that I needed to do something. So, I did the unthinkable. I walked up to a table (one that most considered to be invitation only) and asked to sit down. No one even batted an eye. They simply gave me a spot. And there I sat the rest of the year. As a result, I got to know a group of kids that I would never have known otherwise. Kids that I thought of as stuck-up or snobbish really weren't at all. It completely changed the course of my Senior year, prompting me to try out new things (sports teams), date new people, and go places I would never have ended up had I still had my comfortable little off-beat cadre. 

So, the point? It is time for me to try a new table. I have been here for 9 years and have gotten very comfortable in my own little seat. Except that I am not. I am missing certain interactions that I don't have anymore. I am missing that spice that comes from ending up in new places and trying new things. The question is, how to try a new seat? You can't just call up a stranger and say "Wanna hang out? What do you do for fun?" So, I am going to start "small". My goal is to meet every single teacher at WWR. Put a name to every face that I see. Try some different things. Maybe putting myself out there professionally will eventually give me the guts to put myself out there personally. We'll see!

The search for the right question....

So, the eternal question is supposed to be "what is the meaning of life" right? But to anyone who has children, that just seems to be a rather simple question to answer. You just need to lie down on the floor with a giggling toddler and hear them say "I - oh - you mommy" and there is simply no need to think about the answer to this question. The meaning of life IS life. The new life that you bring into the world, the little day to day experiences that make up daily life, the sudden slap-you-in-the-face shocking moments you weren't planning on, each of these things are what give life meaning. I know that it is almost unbearably cliche and simplistic, but the question is rather cliche and simplistic so it only seems apropos to give such an answer.

But, as obvious as this is when I am sitting down to actually write about it.... it is so easy to lose sight of it all when you get caught up in every little thing going on around you. I look back at myself in the "olden" days and often don't recognize that person. Quite frequently I am relieved at that revelation, but sometimes I regret that I have let some of the things I cherished about myself and about life in general slip away. I just turned 30 a month ago, and felt no sorrow what so ever about that great event in my life. I have always had a certain philosophy about birthdays: If you dread a birthday then you are doing something wrong. Birthdays are supposed to be about celebrating another year in your life. If you don't have something to celebrate than you need to change the way you are living your life. And I did have so much to celebrate about 29. What a wonderful year that was. But, as I started a new decade, I thought a lot about my 20's. I thought about what I loved about them and what made them special. Then I thought about what lay ahead in my 30's if absolutely nothing changed in the way I was currently living my life. And I decided that I would not be satisfied with that. I need to focus more on embracing and celebrating that Life (with a capital L) that gives life meaning.

The question is how? Really, I think that is a better question than "What is the meaning of life?" After all, as teachers, we talk about higher level of thinking questions. 'How' questions are always more involved and take more thought than 'what' questions. So the new question for me is, "How do I continue to give life meaning?" not "What is the meaning of life?" Two very similarly worded questions that are very different.

I hope to challenge myself over the next year to take a look at the things I am doing and to challenge myself to do them differently. To do them differently by returning to what was once familiar. I think that the first step of this journey is to take risks. To realize that I will have to do things that are no longer second nature or entirely comfortable to me. So, why not put this all out there on my blog? What could be riskier than sharing this with... well... whoever? I am hoping to give myself a challenge each week, to live out that challenge privately, and then come back here to digest that week. So, here's hoping that I actually come back here next week and take the next step. I guess that could be my first challenge! :)